ANN ARBOR– League officials have been investigating allegations of an illegal coping scandal, reported sources Sunday night following Aventinus’ 0-2 loss to Mott FK. The team was last shut out in Game 3 of the Winter 2014 finals April 16, losing to St. Anky Beer. “It stings,” says GM Mark Woods. “But, I don’t think it’s fair to say the players are coping illegally.”
Hug overdoses often result from illegal coping, a common problem in sports
However, unnamed sources have reported coping techniques such as dissociation, anxious avoidance, and self-blame. Defenseman Mark Woods was overheard saying the loss “never happened” while allegedly “shrugging his shoulders.”
“This is clearly a case of denial,” said noted psychologist, Dr. Will E. Takeapill. “And, that is a form of maladaptive coping, which has been clearly banned.”
“These things usually start with seemingly innocuous comments like ‘that’s okay,’ or ‘we’ll get ’em next time,'” continued Takepill. “But that’s just a form of social support, which we consider a gateway to worse forms of coping.”
Added Takepill: “Before you know it, massive hugging occurs. Then tears and discussions of feelings, and you’re lost forever.”
Woods assured the press that there was no evidence to support the coping allegations. “We deal with losses the good ol’ fashion American way: drinking beer, calling everyone on the opposing teams a ‘douche-bag,’ and attending monster truck rallies.”