Category: Aventinus

Updates specific to Ashley’s Aventinus team

Alien Hockey Invaders Exposed!

ANN ARBOR– Ashley’s Hockey Franchise came under scrutiny Friday when a picture circa 1947 began circulating clearly depicting two contemporary Ashley’s players. “You can clearly see that (Ricky) Winowiecki and (Kenny) Schmidt are in their mid to late twenties in…

New Draft Pick Highly Recruited

REDFORD– GM Mark Woods has made a number of provocative trades in the past to get early draft picks, and none more so than the most recent trade that sent forward Zeb Bruckman to Montana for a draft pick in…

Ashley’s Weekend Preview

Ashley’s Hockey has a full compliment of games this weekend. Among the more exciting storylines to follow will include: Hopslam— The Hopslammers take on the Cleveland Steamers while asking: “What kind of crap is this?” Ruination— The Ghost of Hockey…

Millennial Sports Writer Canned

ANN ARBOR– Ashley’s sports reporter Asher Moore was reportedly fired from the Ashleys News Network’s sports division late Wednesday follow what editors have called an “inability to describe” following Aventinus’ 7-6 win over Mott FK. “It’s almost as if he…

Participation Trophy Anticipated

RUINATION– Ruination fell to Black Ops 8-9 Saturday evening, stretching their championship slump to five seasons. “I only have myself to blame,” said GM Mark Woods. “Mostly because hardly anyone ever showed up this season.” Explained Woods: “Apparently, things like spending…

Travel Ban Lifted for Defensemen

ANN ARBOR– Following the five-judge panel decision to lift the travel ban for defenseman in the offensive zone, Aventinus player Al Juback took full advantage Wednesday in the team’s 2-6 loss to Yeti. “He was quite the traveling wilbury,” said…

Ferguson a Belieber!

ANN ARBOR– Forward Dave Ferguson was a healthy scratch for Wednesday’s 1-4 Aventinus loss to Goon Squad, noting that he was “lucky it’s not much more.” Initial reports claimed an accident involving a gravel truck. “Despite my sedan being tossed…