ANN ARBOR–Desperate for answers following Hopslam’s 0-3 loss Sunday night to Bearshark, the team has created a fictional skater upon whom they’ve heaped the blame for the game and all mistakes made throughout the season. The unfortunate goat: Captain Tuttle.
“The guy never skates hard, doesn’t back check, forecheck, or write a check for the season,” said GM Mark Woods. “He also doesn’t hold the blue line, can barely skate, can’t clear the puck, and never responds whether or not he’s coming to the game.”
“Why is he even on the team?” asked Woods.
It became increasingly evident that Woods was unaware that players had created a “paper” skater and blamed all their ills upon him. Woods had told the team at the beginning of the season that a “win or else” threat was in effect, prompting the team to create the scapegoat following their first loss to Bearshark July 28.
The team went a bit too far when they tried to obtain back-pay for Tuttle, claiming to have it sent to a local orphanage. When team officials started investigating early Monday, the several players claimed Tuttle died in a freak zamboni accident while helping orphans. Only his skates survived.
Under a cloud of suspicion, extra workouts and practice ice for the team was ordered, with the directive the that the team was going to “skate ’til they puke.” When players complained Monday afternoon, Woods looked sympathetic, but said, “Don’t blame me. It was Major Murdock.”