WASHINGTON– Ashley’s officials announced late Wednesday following Aventinus’s third tie in four games that embattled Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius has been hired in as the new team manager, working for the last several weeks while moonlighting on “that ObamaCare website thing.”
Kathleen Sebelius answering questions to the media following Aventinus’s 3-3 tie with Goon Squad
Unfortunately, the results speak for themselves. The team has fallen into a four-game winless streak, including two 3-3 ties over the last two games. “I am as frustrated and angry as anyone,” said Sebelius, who noted that she has felt the strain of holding two top positions simultaneously.
“I’m accountable to you for fixing this problem, and I’m committed to earning your confidence back,” she added.
The game was unsteady from the start. Goaltender Jeff Phillion arrived late, allowing Goon Squad to open the game with a easy score. However, Ginny Klinesteker tied things up minutes later with her fourth goal of the season. Jeff Meden gave the team a lead to end the first period, though Goon Squad tied it up in the second period marked by action without results. “I was zigging when the entire (2nd) period was zagging,” quipped defenseman Dave Ferguson.
Justin Baier gave the team a lead late in the third with a solid individual effort, shrugging off a Goon Squad skater to roof in the goal. “That goal was all heart,” praised Meden.
However, with just a few minutes left, Goon Squad managed to tie the game, leaving the team asking the question, “Who is responsible?”
“Sebelius,” said GM Mark Woods quickly… perhaps a little too quickly.
Many have accused Woods of hiring Sebelius specifically to serve as a scapegoat rather than take full responsibility for the team’s recent slide, particularly in light of the promises made while campaigning for his All Affordable Individual Care from Employers Concerning the Under-insured Bettering Everyone Act (or A2ICE3Care).
“That’s ridiculous,” exclaimed Woods. “Who would make promises about delivering something in the future that affects so many without the slightest idea how it can get done?”
Woods added on an unrelated noted that the AshleysHockey.com website is “working quite well, thank you.”