ANN ARBOR– Following Ruination’s 10-2 win over the newly-formed Oilers Saturday night, league director Abe Colwell, working undercover as a right winger, later vowed not to rest until “Ruination is completely dismantled.”
Colwell’s teammates and Sensei at the All Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament
They’re gonna have to put’em in a body bag,” laughed one of Colwell’s childhood friends.
Colwell responded to rumors that Ruination may be better in fact than the recent 3-3 record would indicate by working undercover as a mild-mannered winger for the struggling Oilers. The results, he noted were “astonishing.”
“These guys act like they aren’t that good, but that’ s a load of bunk. I was there. I saw it go down,” sputtered Colwell.
Colwell said he would start by banning defenseman Mark Woods from league play after finishing with three assists, including one for the final goal by Ricky Winowiecki (later credited to Jason Spence). “Woods wasn’t even on the ice for that goal!” stated Colwell. “So you know he’s paying off the scorekeepers or something!”
Colwell took offense to several players scoring, including John Vella (4 goals, assist), Brett Vogel (goal), Jason Spence (goal, 2 assists), and Sean Payeur (goal, assist). Colwell was particularly upset with Payeur, resulting in a Shane Callaghan kicking major.
When asked about the incident, Colwell denied any knowledge. However, sources close to Ashley’s News have discovered a link to the Cobra Kai Dojo, where Colwell trained for years with Sensei John Kreese, an ex-Special Forces Vietnam Veteran.
Echoing his sensei’s mantra of “no mercy,” Colwell also began singing “Where Do You Go?” by the band of the same name.