ANN ARBOR– The American Idol franchise hit a new low (note) Wednesday night when its first stop in Ann Arbor failed to produce a single contestant to move into the second round of competition.
Contestants consisted of 12 members of the Ashley’s Aventinus hockey team, who had just finished its season opener with a 4-2 win over Goon Squad 2. “Word on the street was that beer league hockey has some of the best untapped talent in music,” said Aussie Country star and Idol judge Keith Urban. “Crickey! Was I misinformed!”
American Idol is a long-running Fox program that seeks out new singing talent in a top-twenty elimination format. The tryouts officially took place in Detroit, Michigan– part of a five-stop tour. However, a satellite location has occasionally been added when weather conditions make it prohibitive for contestants to make it to the main location.
All twelve contestants opted for a “group” tryout, breaking into a classic number: “Happy Birthday.”
“It didn’t sound very happy,” said singer-actress Jennifer Lopez. “But, you have to start somewhere, right?”
“I used to be a ‘fly girl’ on In Living Color, so I know a little something about humble beginnings,” noted Lopez.
“The problem started when half of us were singing in four different keys, and the other other half doesn’t even know what a key is,” said defenseman Mark Woods. “Plus, the melody for that song is kinda tricky.”
“There was no melody for that number,” crooned Idol judge Harry Connick, Jr. “Man, I don’t know what those cats were thinking, but they were sinking, stinking and drinking yeah yeah!”
“Jazz!” added Connick, Jr. in his inexplicable not-quite-Southern-not-quite-French-accent-that-even-more-inexplicably-J-Geils-from-J-Geils-Band-has accent– or “creole” as it’s commonly known.
Despite the victory, including scores from Nate Greenman, Justin Baier (2), and Jeff Meden, with assists from Tom Colis, Daryl Coleman, Amy Senne, and the birthday girl Jen Perry, each member walked out of the locker room dejected, having to sheepishly explain to family and friends that they did not receive a so-called golden ticket to Hollywood.
“In retrospect,” said host Ryan Seacrest, “holding the tryout in a locker room was probably a mistake. But we will find out for sure… after the break. This… is… American Idol!”