ANN ARBOR– Thanks to recent developments in the philosophy of time and space-time, specifically work done with “worm-holes,” Future Jordan Swift had an opportunity to come to the “present” and warn himself not to pass on the opportunity to score a hat trick, something he opted not to do in Ruination’s 9-4 win over Mott Saturday night.
Wild-eyed and desperate, Future Swift warned of “dire consequences” for not scoring a hat trick. “It all falls apart, man!” he yelled. “Your life won’t be the same. Trust me!”
Future Swift proceeded to note that in the so-called future, Shawn Lopez, who did in fact score a hat trick (the third goal coming from a pass from Swift, who finished with 2 goals and 2 assists) goes on to become the team’s leading scorer, catching the eye of scouts from the Chicago Blackhawks. Incredibly, so Future Swifts said, Lopez will go on to join the Hawks’ development squad, and will eventually go on to play “like two or three games” in the NHL. As for Swift, his future was deemed much bleaker.
Getting back to the future is much more easily accomplished in 1980s style
According to Future Swift, he does not receive any opportunities from scouts, and remains on the Ruination team. He goes on to take dating advice from local radio psychologist Sean Payeur (aka The Triple PhD Luv Doctor), and asks women if “lap dances count as dating.”
“Needless to say, I received a lot of fresh slaps to the face,” said Future Swift.
Disheartened, Future Swift eventually is forced to get his degree from the University of Michigan and get a job in the Greater Grand Rapids area, where he will work for “the next 25 years in relative obscurity.”
Unfortunately for Future Swift, he was unable to calibrate the wormhole correctly, ending up at the rink at around 1115pm, just minutes after Swift had already gone home. “I should have scored the hat trick,” he lamented.
“I don’t know what the problem is,” said defensman Mark Woods (3 assists). “He’s pretty much describing my work life right now.”
“It ain’t so bad,” added Woods.
Woods went on to say that Swift ought to have used a flux capacitor installed in a Delorean rather than using “some sorta Star Trek, Stephen Hawking, worm-hole” mumbo-jumbo. “Nothing beats 1.21 giga-watts! That’s the power of love!” said Woods.