ANN ARBOR– Controversy ensued late Saturday night following Hopslam’s 5-3 win over the Ice Dogs when league managers, owners, and directors argued over player eligibility. “Number #20 (Michael Vaught) clearly doesn’t belong in this league,” said sports analyst Eric Pfeiffer.
“You can’t trust the pundits,” argued Ice Dogs owner Jim Bodman, CEO and co-founder of Vienna Beef Ltd. “If you want to say Michael (Vaught, 2 goals) doesn’t belong in the league, then the same could be said about Ashley’s (Chris) Sutton (goal).”
Hopslam owner Ashley Rivers of South Carolina fired back that “Tan Gloves” also doesn’t belong in the league. Rivers later admitted she is “really bad with names,” and said that she uses nicknames to refer to people. “My general manager ‘Secret Asian Man’ (Mark Woods) knows what I’m talking about,” said Rivers.
League Director Abe Colwell did his best to account for the “problem” skaters, stating that Vaught and Sutton and “Tan Gloves” were no longer on their respective teams. However, this failed to satisfy either team or other managers. “What about those guys from Mott?” said Bodman, speaking of Scott Wedemeyer and Brad Phillips. They were summarily dismissed from the league, as was Andrew Thompson (goal, 2 assists), Al Juback (goal, assist), Scott Coates (goal), Bob Brock (goal), and Keith Kotimko (2 assists).
By early Sunday morning, Colwell, attempting to account for all parties, systematically dismantled the league. Only one player was deemed “okay” to play in Tier I: defenseman Mark Woods. Woods expressed excitement over the prospect of being the only player on the ice for each game, stating that he will likely score “maybe 1 to 2 goals a game” and enjoy a fairly even plus/minus rating “for once.”
“This season is gonna be sweet!” said Woods.