ANN ARBOR– Ashley’s Ruination turned itself in early Sunday after charges of beating Black Ops with sticks (sometimes known as “twigs” or “switches” depending from which part of the country one hails) Saturday night. According to the team’s doctor, Black Ops suffered 7 hits from various members, including Shawn Lopez, John Vella, Matt Schaefer, Ricky Winowiecki, Tim Bredernitz, and two from defenseman Sean Payeur.
Ruination beat Black Ops with “hockey” sticks, known as “switches” in parts of the South
The beating prompted several sports media pundits to react, including ESPN’s Cris Carter, who categorized Ruination’s disciplining– like his mother’s– as simply “wrong.”
“She did the best she could but she was wrong about some of that stuff,” said Carter.
Former NBA star Charles Barkley, however, was quick to defend Ruination’s use of sticks, noting that “every black parent in the South is going to be in jail” if such an act is a crime.
“A lot of my friends who are white and Italian sent me a text last night saying ‘I don’t know why you’re making this a black thing. Our parents spanked the hell out of us, too.'” Barkley added.
Considered nearly as bad as the shots delivered were those who assisted, including Schaefer, Sean McGrath (2), Winowiecki, Bredernitz, Vella, and Lopez.
“The welts will fade, but the memories will continue to sting,” said child psychologist Dan Pamperem. “When will we start thinking about the children?”
League director Abe Colwell agreed to suspend the team for two games pending TMZ footage of the event.