ANN ARBOR– Ashley’s Aventinus continues to be a tale of two teams, losing another close game Sunday night, this time to Mott FK 1-2. Defenseman Jeff Price scored the team’s lone goal in the second period, tying the game. However, former Ashley’s skater Rana Sidhu gave the Foster Kids the lead in the third, which they held onto despite a late flurry from Ashley’s.
Jumping to conclusions from specious information is a time-honored tradition in sports, business, life
“I didn’t even know it was the third period,” said a bemused and dehydrated Mark Woods, who was earlier accused of contributing to the team’s first loss last week.
However, Ashley’s Sports Network (ASN), through the use of high powered statistical software, was able to determine the common connection. “We ran all the numbers through several iterations and used different mathematical models to determine the commonalities in the wins and losses,” said team statistician Marge Innevera. “And we determined that Gary Witt is the key.”
“Witt plays, team wins. No Witt, no win,” she concluded.
Indeed, the evidence is quite compelling, with Witt in attendance to 100% of the wins and absent on 100% of the losses. GM Mark Woods was quick to react. “If (NFL Commissioner) Roger Godell has taught me anything, it’s that you should simply react to whatever is known by the media without reflection,” said Woods. “So, we will be offering Gary a huge contract over the next 10 years, which will guarantee undefeated seasons and championship after championship.”