ANN ARBOR– Product testing took place for the new Stay-Free Maxi-Mouth Pad Saturday as Ashley’s Ruination overcame a 0-2 deficit to defeat the Black Bears 5-3 in a contentious battle. Black Bears player William O’Brien volunteered to try the new product when it was discovered that his mouth “received a visit from [his] special friend,” a euphemism often used in lieu of “menstruation.”
Stay-Free Maxi Mouth Pads prove ineffective as Ashley’s Ruination tops Black Bears 5-3 Saturday night
The embarrassing event (often called “spotting”) occurred in the first period, though officials stated that this wasn’t his first period. The product was then immediately administered and seemingly contained much of the bleeding. Several players from Ruination, however, were not aware of the product’s intent, thinking it was some fantastic new Summer’s Eve product, based on several comments, including: “What a douche!”
However, the product, though much hyped by the media, proved ineffective. Blood was spotted in several locations, including the initially pristine jersey worn proudly by O’Brien. In addition, initial belief that such a product would help with mood swings proved false as O’Brien was called for a roughing penalty in the final minutes of the game. “My ears are ringing,” said a dazed Andrew Thompson (goal, 3 assists), who was on the receiving end of the hit.
Sean McGrath (goal, two assists) immediately went after O’Brien, and received a roughing penalty. He was later sentenced to 5 hours of gender-sensitivity training. Said V. Gina Monologue , professor of feminist studies at the University of Michigan: “Mr. McGrath needs to be more sensitive to these matters.”
Stay Free vice-president of sales Flo Ing-Redd said that though the product did not work as expected, the data received was invaluable. “We have much to chew on,” she noted.
Paul Drevnick scored two goals, and Dexter Benda tossed in the game-winner. Matt Okray, Austin Feeney, and Chris Sutton all had assists.