Ruination Champs Again!

A classic was played Tuesday night as the top two teams in Tier I– separated but one point in the standings– squared off for the Cube championship. The number one seeded Goon Squad (18-4-2) featured the top offense, scoring 156 goals in the regular season, against the top defensive team in the Ruination (18-5-1), which only allowed 66 goals in 24 games.

“They have a solid squad top to bottom,” commented Rusty “Griswold” Barron. “They have lots of firepower. They can put the puck in the net.”

“The puck’s not going in our net, Rusty,” promised forward Devin Collinridge.

The first period featured a fast-paced defensive struggle, with both sides unwilling to give ground. Defenseman Kevin Dillon was ejected for fighting after receiving a high stick that required several stitches. “Dillon… was cut up pretty bad,” said Barron.

Goon Squad opened the scoring on a power play with 24 seconds in the first, and scored again early in the second to take a commanding 2-0 lead.

Sources close to team said forward Dave Winn refused to accept defeat. “It isn’t that hard, guys,” he reportedly said. “We’re not trying to find the Higgs boson out here! Let’s pick up our game and put the puck in the net!”

Winger Ryan Oxford responded with a goal 12 minutes into the second. Forward Matt Schaefer seemingly tied the game, but for a quick whistle by referee Jeff Opsahl. “You (bleeping) blew it, ref,” yelled defenseman Jason Spence. Opsahl later acknowledged the blown call.

The score remained in Goon Squad’s favor for most of the third period, and may well have stayed that way had they not committed a critical interference penalty with minutes left in the game. In a bold move, forward Sean McGrath made the decision to pull the goalie with 20 seconds left. Josh Pohlman, playing defense, fired the puck in, where Spence tipped it to Collinridge, who fired a bullet into the bottom corner of the net, tying the game with just two seconds left.

Visibly shaken and frustrated, Goon Squad took two penalties, giving Ruination a 2-man advantage in the overtime session. “Now we know why they’re called Goon Squad,” said winger Steve Pouliot.

“That’s not funny,” said center Joel Benton.

Defenseman Paul Sholtis kept the puck in the zone and fought off the pressure to complete a no-look pass to Spence, who buried it, completing a thrilling comeback victory and Ashley’s fourth straight championship.

“I’m really proud of our guys,” said GM Mark Woods from his summer home in Florida. “Sometimes, it’s not who plays that determines a championship, but rather who doesn’t play.” Woods was referring to a management decision to sit defenseman Mark Woods out for the championship game. “I’m going to Disney World,” said Woods, who has received most of the checks for next season via PayPal.

“That’s not funny,” said Benton.