ANN ARBOR– Following an on-ice incident of “indecency of a prurient nature” displayed by an unnamed member of the Ypsi Aces, former Vice-president and 2020 Democratic hopeful Joe Biden announced that Hopslam’s Heather Mannix will receive a “Medal of Honor or Valor or something,” adding that he was looking forward to also giving her an “appropriate” hug.
Mannix is set to receive the award following Hopslam’s 4-3 win over the Ypsi Aces Tuesday night. The award is in response to what sources are calling “inappropriate touching” by a member of the Aces. The player has since apologized, noting that Mannix “totally deserves the award” as a result of his actions.
Current acting Chief of Staff is Mick Mulvaney noted that Biden is not actually in a position to award medals. “He’s free to dole out hugs, but I wouldn’t take one,” noted Mulvaney. “You never know just how long that hug is gonna last.”
Democrats proof-reading this article were quick to point out that the current president is “no stranger to inappropriate touching,” and that this fake news article should have used him as the foil instead. However, they grudgingly admitted that perhaps Biden should “cut back on the Stetson aftershave.”