ANN ARBOR– The Quidditch.. er, Hockey World was rocked Sunday evening to discover goaltender Gary Pletcher has been illegally time turning in order to attend multiple games at the same time.
GM Mark Woods noticed this following the Hopslam game earlier Sunday evening in which Pletcher played for the Cleveland Steamers. “But, as I was walking out of the rink following the game,” noted Woods, “He was walking into the rink. That’s when I became a bit suspicious.”
Time turning, that act of using a “time turner” device to essentially go back in time to within an hour or two, has been banned in the wizarding world of sports. While it does not allow sufficient time to correct mistakes made in the past, it has allowed players to unfairly have more fun by playing more games. And, based on the recent health crises and general political atmosphere, fun has been frowned upon for at least the last 4-5 years.
Video evidence revealed that Pletcher has, in fact, played on average 7.8 games per night, despite the fact that generally three games overlap per hour and a half. When confronted with this, he initially tried to deny this, but had to admit using the device when an alternate Pletcher was carried off the ice in an impromptu parade following Ruination’s 3-2 Sunday.
“Uh…” said Pletcher as he watched himself carried to the locker room. “Uh… I got nuthin’.”
Pletcher later stated that maybe he should have taken his friend Tom Mystery’s advice and grabbed that drink of unicorn blood and dabble in the “horcrux thing” instead.
As of press time, the editor has stated that it’s likely that only women sword and sorcery dorks who were teenagers in the 1990s will get these references.