Widowmaker Tie Brings Fear, Speculation of Market Recession Among Investors/Players

ANN ARBOR– The 2-2 tie Friday night fueled speculation of a market downturn among the various managers of the Widowmaker hedge fund. “When you have an up and down day that ends with no gain, or a ‘tie’ as it were,” said portfolio manager Ken “Bernie” Coleman, “it usually is a bearish signal.”

Added Coleman: “Bears means bad. Money go bye-bye.”

The Widowmaker Hedge Fund sounds more macabre than it really needs to, according to unnamed married sources

Rob “Super” Smart agreed. “Market forces are sensitive. When you see an up and down game like we saw Friday, it really has investors concerned about what Monday will bring.”

Other managers expressed concern, but remained optimistic. “Hey, tied. That’s like sharing a win,” said Dave “Buffet” Patterson. “In the investment world, sometimes everyone wins.”

Added Patterson: “At least until the next Enron.”

Nic Schultz, former Widowmaker, scored the game-tying goal with only seconds left, sparking concerns for the market, and outrage for the treachery. “If I ever see that guy on the pickle ball court,” said Kurt Kristie, “I’m going to hit him even if I have to step into the kitchen to do so.”

Authorities were notified of the threat, prompting Kristie to be banned from the Sunnyvale Retirement Community Pickle Ball Courts “for the next week, unless we really need a fourth,” according to Sunnyvale president Syd Greenman.