Ashley’s Ruination earned their fifth straight championship Saturday night, defeating Goon Squad 5-0 in an alternate universe very similar to our own. Only the wispy, evil looking goatees on the faces of the Ruination skaters mark the differences between the two realities… and the championship game outcome.
“We were thrilled to win,” said evil… er… alternate universe Mark Woods. “I couldn’t have scored those three goals without the help of my teammates, and the amazing hockey skills I have.”
Woods also noted that giving up a career in the NHL was “totally worth it” to win a fifth straight championship for the Ashley’s franchise. He then stroked his beard and darted his eyes suspiciously, as alternate universe entities often do.
“I truly feel sorry for any other universes where Ashley’s Ruination did not win,” said evil universe Sean McGrath. “My advice to them would be to make it a point to pick up teammates’ gloves and stick after they get in a fight.”
Added evil McGrath: “It’s Hockey 101, people.”
When asked how anyone could reach an alternate universe, evil universe physicist Dave Winn explained something about the fabric of space-time being essentially “folded” so that one could conceivably travel through a “wormhole” into another part of the known universe or into an alternate universe.
“Just watch Star Trek,” explained Winn.
Winn also noted that Marvel Comics has provided less feasible routes into alternate universes, such as shrinking down into the so-called Microverse. DC Comics offers even less feasible explanations of an “Earth 2” which is purportedly on the opposite side of the Sun, just out of view, where World War II has been perpetually waged, aided by “Golden Age” superheroes in the Justice Society of America. However, it has been noted that DC has recently reorganized into 52 divergent realities, none of which contain comic-book reading “grown men” who ever get laid.