ANN ARBOR– Sources close to the scene state that laboratory chimpanzees at the University of Michigan Medical Center have reportedly escaped from their cages and are currently holding lab manager Joseph Crossno hostage. In a very clipped message, Crossno communicated that he had “smashed [his] hand pretty badly at work…” and was “doubtful” for Wednesday’s game, featuring Aventinus taking their six-game unbeaten streak in Varsity Arena to face the Yaks.
The game ended in a 1-1 tie– a bittersweet result, as Aventinus had the lead going into the third period. However, the tie does extend their unbeaten streak to seven games, and allows the team to stay within reach of the first place Leafs.
Meanwhile, U-M Health System has not released an official statement, though has not outright denied the events. Sources within UMHS– a doctor known only as “Dave F”– noted that the $30 cash given to Crossno’s son (Steve Golombisky) was “probably for monkey food.”
While officer Chris Boulter speculated that Crossno would likely not return soon, stating that apes will take over the world and he’ll discover the Statue of Liberty half-buried in sand, Crossno’s note was more optimistic. “I’ll probably be back Sunday,” he stated cheerfully.
The note however, was most likely edited by the monkeys on an innumerable number of typewriters (some sources estimate 6-7). As evidence, the note contained many nonsense words– such as “balanced budget in our lifetimes” and snippets of what seemed to be prose dangerously close to fictional classics (e.g. “It was the best of times, it was the blurst (sic) of times.”)
Traces of chimp feces was also detected on the paper. At least sources genuinely hope that it was chimp feces.