MUNICH– Bavarian Motor Works CEO Heinz Getwellvet (pronounced Gish-vel vet) has achieved his objective: dismantle Ashley’s Hopslam. Following Hopslam’s 1-4 loss to rival Yaks Saturday night– a loss that did not include dynamic duo Matt Schaefer and Shawn Lopez– it was discovered that forward Dexter Benda has been acquired by the BMW team, and is expected to report to Munich Monday. The news comes as a shock to all.
“We are all shocked,” said GM Mark Woods.
The news comes conspicuously close to recent developments. It was announced earlier this week by league director Abe Colwell that Matt Schaefer had been suspended from league play for the duration of the season. “I think all seven other teams would agree that he is too good,” rationalized Colwell. “He is one of the best players left in the league.”
Allegations that Colwell was wearing BMW driving gloves at the press conference have not been confirmed.
“While it’s certainly heartwarming to think that all the best players are finally out of the league, I don’t understand what Heinz’s connection is in all of this,” said Woods.
“Mit Benda now verking heir,” said Getwellvet, “D1 hockey can now be called the Chopped Liveh League, und Hopslam will gehen Sie aus to dem Tier 2 league, und Aventinus– a real German bier– will finally move up!”
“I mean, I know nothing!” said Getwellvet, sounding curiously like Sgt. Schultz. Evil laughter was then heard behind closed doors.