ANN ARBOR–The beer league hockey world was rocked late Thursday after learning that forward Jonathon Roklen asked for and received asylum from Ashley’s Ruination following their 5-2 victory over the Black Bears on Stadium Ice. “I enjoyed that style of play,” said a stoic Roklen.
Hopslam officials have issued accusations of espionage, stating that Roklen has stolen valuable team “telephone metadata” which may compromise team security. Hopslam Director and CIO Mark Woods has called for the league to have Roklen extradited, but officials have noted that Roklen has been in the rink’s “transit zone” for the last three hours, beyond their jurisdiction.
“This is a travesty of justice,” said Woods. “And I don’t even know what ‘travesty’ means!”
Added Woods: “I should really look it up on Google or something.”
Ruination officials, however, were pleased with the turn of events. “I am pleased with turn of events,” said Ruination GM Mark Woods with an inexplicable Russian accent.
Roklen has purportedly sent an email asking “representatives of international human rights organizations” to meet with him in the transit zone Friday afternoon. There he plans to explain how this article relates to recent national news events for those who refuse to download the Flipboard app to their smartphone or tablet devices.