ANN ARBOR–A mysterious bottle of water with the simple note “herpes” remained unsurprisingly full for the duration of the Hopslam game versus Cubs AC Sunday night, which ended in a 4-4 tie.
“Whose bottle is this?” asked a thirsty Mark Woods.
“You’d think it would be mine,” said winger Ricky Winowiecki, “but it’s not.”
Despite the fact that the other bottles were nearly empty, the “herpes” bottle remained cool and nearly full. Several players admitted that they knew that the water was not “infused with herpes,” but still seemed unwilling to “take a chance.”
The Centers for Disease Control states that about 1 in 6 people in the United States has genital herpes, and HerpesClinic.com estimates that nearly 90% of Americans have oral herpes (i.e. cold sores). But, in spite of the fact that nearly everyone on the team could have some form of herpes, no one was willing to drink from a bottle that more than likely did not contain a distilled form of liquid herpes, leaving the owner to enjoy a full bottle of water.
Inspired by the simple preventive measure, several players have begun labeling other items, including “planter’s warts” on skates, “HPV” on hockey pants, and “poop stained” on compression shorts. Several cups were also spotted with the label “full of heady goodness,” though the Simpsons reference is most likely lost on all but the most die hard of fans.