ANN ARBOR–Center Ricky Winowiecki, after scoring 2 goals and dishing out 2 assists in Hopslam’s 7-3 win over the Leafs Wednesday night, has allegedly discovered the source of “old man smell.”
After some speculation– including Old Spice, Brut, or a mixture of deviled eggs, Gillette shaving cream, and regret–Winowiecki revealed a bottle of Oak Body Wash. “I smell like an old man!” exclaimed Winowiecki from the shower.
The scent of the wash had an immediate impact on the team, prompting several players to ramble aimlessly, telling non sequitur stories that included words and ideas 20-somethings have never entertained.
“I stayed in the South Quad dorm… must have been 20 odd years ago,” began defenseman Mark Woods, whittling and rocking in has chair slowly. “In those days we’d stick rabbit ears out the wind-ah so as to get better reception on the ol’ Dumont.”
Added Woods: “I believe Rosie used to cook up some mean steak enchiladas for lunch on Thursdays there. And football meant something back then!”
“That’s a great story,” said resident whippersnapper and goalie Paul Sholtis dryly.
Winowiecki was perhaps the most affected, spinning a yarn that included walking several miles (presumably uphill in the driving snow) in order to get to a phone. “I told my mom not to use the phone for at least thirty minutes,” he noted to the confusion of younger teammates.
The evening degraded further when complaints that the beer was not watered down sufficiently to get that “Shlitz-y” consistency, and when players began to talk about which body parts hurt for “no reason in particular.”
When asked, GM Mark Woods was somewhat defensive. “What’s the alternative?” he asked. “Should we douse the guys with Axe Body Spray and turn this into some sort of frat party or Abercrombie & Fitch? I don’t think so.”