ANN ARBOR–Beat writer Mark Woods admitted that “writing funny stuff” is decidedly more difficult following a loss, particularly a bad beat, as was the case Thursday night following Ruination’s 3-10 defeat at the hands of the Ypsi Aces.
“What can I say that’s funny about a loss like that?” lamented Woods. “I thought maybe saying something like ‘take away seven goals and we totally tied them’ might be funny, but not so much.”
Defenseman Sean Payeur tried to help, suggesting that Dave Winn dated little girls. “I guess I could have made a Gary Glitter joke, but I think he was into little boys from Singapore,” noted Woods. “Plus, I’m not sure how many people even know who Gary Glitter is.”
Woods also batted around the idea of clever word-play, citing a “Winn-lose” situation as Winn finished with a goal and an assist, but figured that was “worth a smile, at best.”
Added Woods: “Clever word play was pretty much the reason I never got laid in high school.”
Sources confirmed the lack of sexual activity in high school for Woods, but noted other reasons, including graduating at 5′ 11″ and 135 lbs., no discernible athletic skill, social awkwardness around women, relative anonymity in school despite a graduating class of under 200 students, and zits.
“The clever word play certainly didn’t help anything,” added sources.
Woods revealed that he still planned to “show them” at his upcoming high school reunion by losing a few pounds, wearing a nice business suit, and claiming to have invented Post-It Notes just to show that mean cheerleader Christie from Sagebrush High.
Said sources: “His references to obscure B-movies also did not help him get any.”