ANN ARBOR–With wide, hopeful eyes, a small boy asked a most devastating question: “Am I gonna get a new mommy and daddy?”
“Not today, Billy,” said a consoling social worker. “Only one of you will… thanks to Hopslam.”
According to the University Health System and Mott Children’s Hospital Regulations and Policies Guide Section M117.42.6a(2), foster kids under the University of Michigan Health System umbrella can only be assigned homes with “one child to each goal scored by the Mott Foster Kids hockey team.”
Hopslam defeated Mott FK 6-1 Sunday night, delaying the already agonizing process of finding homes for these poor, deserving children.
“Unfortunately, we are bound by the policies placed upon us,” said Public Relations representative Missy Hannigan. “Those kids are just gonna have to wait… thanks to Hopslam.”
For their part, Hopslam forwards Tom Colis and Andrew Thompson each had two goals (representing the number of tears Billy shed later that night) with Thompson adding an assist, while center Scott Coates chipped in with a goal and two assists. Mike Leighton added two more assists to beat back any hopes the Foster Kids had.
When asked by Hopslam officials why not simply change the policy to be more charitable, Hannigan simply replied, “Yo, my presence is my charity.”