ANN ARBOR– Though not the leading scorer in Ruination’s 10-3 win, defenseman Mark Woods added a goal and an assist Saturday night, though under a cloud of controversy. “I don’t score a lot, but I can still show these young guys a thing or two about scoring goals and dishing out apples,” said the 41-year old veteran.
Woods learned recently that “apples” is a term for an assist by listening to actual hockey players, like Sean Payeur and Ricky Winowiecki. Payeur has a whopping 60 penalty minutes in five games, prompting league director Abe Colwell to ask, “What is the deal with this though? Why has he gotten two EARLY ejections from games that weren’t close?”
Official records show Woods scored a goal and two assists Saturday night.
Despite the fact that the game records indicate that Woods clearly scored a short-handed goal and dished out two assists, several conspiracy theorists claim otherwise, calling the incident “Woodskate.” “He (Woods) could not have scored those points for several reasons,” stated Arthur Vandelay, noted import/exporter and conspiracy enthusiast. “First, he’s never come close to scoring a point a game, and now he has seven points in 11 games? I don’t think so.”
Vandelay also pointed out that Woods has never scored a short-handed goal, and in fact rarely participates in penalty kills for Ruination. He added that Jordan Swift, who wears “14” while waiting for his jersey to arrive, is a much more likely candidate to finish the game with 3 points.
“Woods couldn’t have scored at all, because he was never there!” exclaimed Vandelay.
Wikileaks has claimed to have procured a receipt from a Rochester, NY restaurant known as “The Distillery” located just off of Ridge Road in Greece (a local suburb) that has Woods’s credit card number and signature.
“In fact,” states Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, “you can trace his movements by the coffee receipts at various Barnes & Noble locations stretching from the Detroit area, through Erie PA, and eventually to Rochester on that Saturday.”
Added Assange: “Who the (bleep) goes through Ohio to get to Rochester? Why wouldn’t he take the QEW through Canada?”
Woods’s agent, Gerald McGuire, spoke for his client: “It’s too close to contract renegotiation time to be investigating the truth.”