Homemade movie poster depicting Kotimko’s unfinished “original” screenplay
DEARBORN– Controversy ensued following Hopslam’s 7-3 win over the heretofore unbeaten Yaks Tuesday night when defenseman Keith Kotimko’s “Black Book of Slights” was discovered near his home in Dearborn. “We’re trying to keep positive,” said GM Mark Woods, “But a documented list of ‘wrongs’ committed by each teammate is a concern.”
The list of “slights” committed range from late repayments to “crispy looks” in Kotimko’s general direction. Following the game, Kotimko (goal) could be heard mumbling in the locker room “(Defenseman) Mark (Woods) failed to pass me the puck… twice,” as if to memorize it long enough to write the comment down.
Six others scored (Chris Sutton, Al Juback, Gary Witt, Don Restauri, Andrew Thompson, and Scott Coates), with their names also being muttered quietly under Kotimko’s breath.
The book was found among several documents, including receipts from Burger King, Vertical Gardening for Dummies, and what appeared to be an unfinished original screenplay titled “Billy and the Cloneasaurus.” Among the recent list of grievances noted:
- Chris Sutton (goal, assist): Pretty sure he used my shampoo last week
- Bob Brock: Asked why we drive on parkways and park on driveways
- Gary Witt: Refused suggestion to braid beard like the Goths back in the day
- Jeff Phillion: Showed up later than I did. No one does that!
- Scott Coates (goal, assist): Just because
- Al Juback (goal, assist): Said sprinkles on ice cream was “childish”
- Mike Leighton: Pronounced “data” like “atta’ boy” instead of “DAY-tah”
- Toilet at the Amoco gas station: Splashing out of control with drop of water hitting my face (gross!)
- Ashley’s Hockey.com: Yet another un-funny article
The book has thousands of entries dating back to the late 1970s, with the earliest entry noting a school mate acting “like a doodie-head,” and a late 1980s slight, blaming a girlfriend for “not calling my skate board totally rad, but merely tubular.”
“The nerve,” noted the entry.