ANN ARBOR– After the initial shock and shame of the 1-5 loss to the Icemen set in, Hopslam teammates rebounded nicely with cold beer and cold hard facts on matrimony. “It’s a contract. They take you in the back and make you sign a contract!” said an exasperated Scott Coates.
Newly-married man runs laughingly toward his doom, according to financial advisor Scott Coates
“Never get married!” exclaimed Coates.
Coates explained marriage as a “gamble” that simply does not pay out well. “You’re betting half your stuff that you’re going to love her the rest of your life.”
The impromptu life-coaching began when it was revealed that teammate Keith Kotimko’s brother Jeff announced plans to marry again after meeting his current girlfriend. Warned Coates: “They think they own you and you get less sex!”
Coates was not the lone voice on the matter. His advice was echoed by defenseman Nyle Pfeiffer. “I used to have an in-ground pool and four cars at age 21…She took half of everything: the boat, the house… everything!”
In fact, Pfeiffer’s ex-wife did take half of everything when it was revealed that his last name was originally spelled ‘Pffeiffffer,’ forcing him to use expletives such as “uck” in order to conserve f’s.
Added Pfeiffer: “Never get married.”
Newcomer Jake Fakeperson– born and raised in a small village on the Senkaku Islands– was the vocal voice of descent. “It really makes my Chinese or possibly Japanese blood boil,” said Fakeperson. “Everyone knows that love comes first, then marriage, then insert someone’s name in a baby carriage.”
“It’s called values,” added Fakeperson.
Unsurprisingly, Fakeperson’s comments went largely unnoticed.