ANN ARBOR– Concern filled the locker room early Wednesday morning following Ruination’s 6-5 comeback win over the Cleveland Steamers when researchers revealed a link to (among other items) late-night games and cancer.
Researchers discover that protein, carbohydrates, vitamins, and liquids such as water may be linked to cancer, obesity, and even Global Warming
The report– revealed Tuesday morning– prompted several members of the team to stay home rather than risk exposure. “I apologize,” said defenseman Jason Spence in a statement sent Tuesday.
The report further concluded that “just about everything” was linked to cancer, including meat and cheese (once thought to reduce the risk of cancer), high protein diets including meats such as bacon, which you might find in a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, carbohydrates, vitamins, birth control pills, too little sunlight, too much sunlight, food sold in gas stations, gas sold at grocery stores, saying or receiving a “purple nurple,” and breathing in and out repeatedly over the course of a lifetime.
“This sucks,” said winger Jake Fakeperson. “It’s getting so a guy can’t eat his Ortho-Novum laced BLT on a summer’s day while huffing gas fumes anymore without it being a health risk. Now, we aren’t supposed to play late night games, either?”
Despite the risks, several Ruination and Hopslam players banded together to overcome the Cleveland Steamers’ 2-0 lead early in the 1st period. Ricky Winowiecki, Brett Vogel, Sean McGrath, and Brian LeFevre were instrumental in the win, handing out goals and assists in answer to each of the five Steamer goals.
The team vowed to continue to play late-night games despite the risk. “I’m right on the edge,” said Mike Leighton in regarding to considering the risk factors. Leighton then laughed and shrugged, and drank his two-week old beer found in the bottom of his hockey bag prior to the game.