ANN ARBOR– Insult comic Hack Masters regaled Aventinus Wednesday night with his usual brand of biting comedy following the team’s 4-3 win over Goon Squad. “Hey, you got three girls and eight guys. Where am I? Alaska?” quipped Masters.
Comedian Hack Masters (real name Ursidae Fozzworth III) visited the Aventinus locker room Wednesday.
“I wouldn’t say the room is pale,” he noted. “But let’s just say running this team would be Donald Sterling’s wet dream, ow!”
“That’s topical, baby!” added Masters.
“But seriously,” continued Masters. “I haven’t seen this much pale skin since Dave (Ferguson) and I were in med school! And, the cadavers were only slightly more pickled than this bunch!”
The comedian riffed for about 30 minutes, poking good-humored fun at the players. “Hey, (Mark) Woods (goal) dropped the biscuit in the basket. The last time he did that was… well shortly after he had that bran muffin this morning!”
Mark Johnston (assist) took a puck to the side of his helmet, leaving him a bit dazed, sparking Masters to claim that Johnston brought a whole new literal meaning to the word “earshot.”
Jen Perry, who had two assists and proved to be a defensive thorn in Goon Squad’s side, took a nasty hit from Matt McIntosh, banging her head on the ice. “Not as much fun when it isn’t a headboard, eh Doll?” leered Masters.
“Hey goalie,” said Masters to goaltender Steve Gorham. “That jersey’s got more dirt than Linda Tripp had on Clinton.” Several younger, less politically-savvy players asked who Clinton was.
Mike Leighton and Justin Baier had a goal and an assist each, while Scott Bray added the game-winning goal, leading Masters to ask, “What are you gonna do? Go to Disney World?”
“I am going to Disney World,” said Bray, who is scheduled to return from his family vacation next Thursday.