ANN ARBOR– Despite losing 2-5 to Goon Squad 2, Aventinus allegedly scored “like a bazillion goals” in what has been billed as a “souped up” game. Goaltender Chris Sutton “had a hat trick” according to sources.
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“This is especially noteworthy considering he played net,” said GM Mark Woods, speaking from his summer home in Redford.
Reports that Justin Baier committed “a (bleep) ton of penalties” were as yet unconfirmed, but sources noted at least a half-dozen hooks, 20-30 slashes, a fist fight with teammate Jen Perry reportedly over which Transcendentalist writer had more impact (Emerson or Thoreau), and 22 “crispy looks” at the referee for 21 non-calls.
Further reports noted Ken Coleman with “a hundred or so” assists, “a whole bunch” of goals from Mark Johnston, and a thousand points to Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops, and Wayne Brady for a game called “song styles.”
Underachievers Ginny Klinesteker (two goals), Jeff Price (assist), and Chris Boulter (assist) managed to get on the score sheet, if only by a point or two. “I find the fact that Chris got an assist to be dubious at best,” noted Woods. “The guy only shows up for two or three games a season.”