ANN ARBOR– Triumph over tragedy occurred Tuesday night after it was discovered that an “apocalyptic dearth” of goalies led to Steve Gorham’s unlikely rise to super beer league stardom, as Ashley’s Hopslam defeated the Ice-o-topes 2-1 in hard fought game.
Peter Girz scored in the second period to give Hopslam the opening score, but a late third period break-away goal gave the Topes a chance at the tie. However, minutes later, Matt Okray slammed home the rebound to give Ashley’s the lead again, and for good, thanks to the unlikely heroics of Gorham. Speaking of his own performance, Gorham said, “I’m not sure where that came from.”
Perhaps it came from a mixture of talent, tenacity, and teamwork. Perhaps it came from the seemingly tragic loss of every goalie on the planet who spontaneously disappeared, according to sources. “(Shawn) Lopez, (Anthony) Ciatti, Ricky (Winowiecki)… all gone!” lamented GM Mark Woods. “And a dozen others. All good goalies.”
Calling it the “Net Rapture,” witnesses claimed to see images of destruction and chaos. “It was insanity,” said a witness. “The ice melted, there were high winds… a large tree branch fell in my yard!”
Others claimed to see even more unsettling things, such as reasonable commute times because of fewer drivers on the road, and even goaltenders acting rationally. “I saw one actually not buy a third set of leg pads just before he disappeared,” said a bystander.
Despite the seeming tragedy, Gorham’s performance has lifted him to the top of the league with a 1.00 goals against average and the full confidence of the team. “Who needs any of ’em? We have Steve,” said Okray.
Woods stated he had a feeling that the goalies might return once all the turkey and gravy disappear.