ANN ARBOR– Sports writer Mark Woods spoke recently of his daring escape only days ago from a dystopian city turned prison in time to report Ruination’s 2-12 defeat Monday night. “It was an incredible experience, though it pained my one good eye to see such a bloody affair,” said Woods of the game’s result.
Agreeing to help government agents rescue the President and a cassette tape that allegedly contained an “important speech” (only to find it was in fact a mix tape containing love ballads from the 1980s), Woods was transported to Manhattan, where a maximum security prison was constructed following an improbable 400% increase in the U.S. crime rate from 1979 levels were recorded. However, Air Force One reportedly crash landed on the island, where R&B artist Isaac Hayes, as leader of the prison inmates, help the president hostage.
“The President nearly got the shaft,” said Woods. “As did Ruination, what with being forced to play the top team (Kings) in the top tier (B1 League).”
Woods managed to rescue the President with just seconds to spare, making his connecting flight back to Ann Arbor in time for the game and in time for the newsroom deadline. “I’m just glad to be home,” said Woods, who attributed his ability to navigate through the lawless city-prison as “no different than commuting along Michigan Ave in downtown Detroit.”