ANN ARBOR– Characterized by his alternate universe goatee, evil Mark Woods reportedly appeared in this universe while good Mark Woods was simultaneously transported to the alternate (re: evil) universe. With the only noticeable difference being the extra yelling, teammates could only sense something different.
Evil Mark Woods looks on with disdain as he answers questions following a 2-1 Aventinus playoff win Wednesday.
“Whatever it was, it worked,” said a teammate on the condition of anonymity.
Indeed, it did, as Ashley’s Aventinus won 2-1 over North Coast Wednesday night, earning a playoff win their first victory over North Coast in recent memory. “They’re no better than us,” said center Ron Coleman. “They just always beat us.”
Laughing bitterly, evil Mark Woods bellowed in rage, “That is the very definition of ‘better!'”
“Don’t yell at the Colemans,” urged good Jeff Price, who clearly hailed from the alternate universe, shocking several teammates and adding to the overall confusion.
Evil Woods yelled throughout the game, despite timely scores from Ron Coleman and Les Withrow. If players stood, he yelled for them to skate. If they skated, he yelled for them to skate faster. When the game ended, and there was nothing left to yell about, Woods continued to scowl. “We won, Mark,” said Price, explaining to evil Woods that smiling and relaxing come with victories.
At last report, thanks to a daring plan involving warp core engines and transporter technology, both good Woods and evil Woods were returned to their respective universes, where good Woods noted that the evil Aventinus team yelled at him the entire game. “All I said was we need to skate harder, they practically bit my head off.”