ANN ARBOR– Newly-hired Millennial reporter Dylan Hunter Berkeley-Townsend (or D.H., born 1992) provided a vague, disjointed summary of Ruination’s 3-4 loss to the WT Killer Bees C team Tuesday night. “Oh man! You should have seen it!” reported Berkeley-Townsend.
Berkeley-Townsend further reported: “So, this game was like, oh man! The Killer Bees were all like nnngghaaaahh! and Ruination was like whatever! Not in my house! Right? So, like, okay, so, anyway, the Killer Bees came in and was… so, okay first, the Killer Bees were like in the D2 league and everyone was like ‘what?’ and Abe was like, ‘yeah,’ and they were total douche bags, right? So, anyway, they were like winning a lot and Abe had to finally say they were going to move up to D1. But they were all like ‘Whatever, buddy! We’re going to the C league.'”
Berkely-Townsend continued: “So, then like, the Killer Bees got into the C league, and Ruination was like bap! bap! bap! bap! bap! and beating up on them and stuff, and the Killer bees were all like we need to get some better players. So, like, so, they totally did and then they skated and it was like whoa! and like boom, checking and there was the shot, and the goalie was like all like clang! off the post and, and like somehow luckily they won and stuff, but it’s like whatever. You know?”
It was not certain who on either team scored, or even who played. Forward Chris Sutton, who played and is himself quite possibly part of the Millennial generation summed up the game with the following statement: “Sad emoji face.”
Fans however, urged Sutton to “turn that open parenthesis into an closed parenthesis” or possibly a “capital D or P.”