ANN ARBOR– Fraud charges may be levied against Ashley’s Ruination after officials determined that several players “do not, in fact, actually exist,” said sources following the team’s 3-5 loss Saturday in the C-league championship series.
Ashley’s forward Tom Katmandu and friend “Pussin'” Bootsy Collins sport new hockey helmets designed to keep thought-controlling forces and women at bay
“I’m just as shocked as everyone else,” said GM A. G. Hast Sunday. “This can’t be real.”
Despite the surprise, officials site evidence of a player named “Andrew Cieslinski,” who has purportedly logged in nine regular season games, and two playoff games as “one of many” players who don’t actually exist.
“It does seem odd that he has nine games and nine points,” said conspiracy theorist and defenseman Mark Woods. “And, the two playoff games I missed, he was there supposably (sic), and when I’m there… nada.”
Added Woods: “Coincidence? I think not.”
The controversy rages on, as several players have denied the so-called Non-Player Conspiracy, including such teammates as Mike Believe, Tony Fonybaloney, and Will O’Thewisp.
“Dude Andrew is totally a real person,” said O’Thewisp. “I’d bet my very existence on it.”
Cieslinski has yet to respond.
Sean McGrath, Sean Hazaray, and Chris “Sean” Sutton each had a goal in the Game 2 loss. Ruination will face the Ice-o-topes C team in the deciding match Tuesday.