DETROIT–Goaltender Matt Okray sat silently bemused in the Olympia Room following Miller-Canfield White’s 14-18 loss to Miller-Canfield Navy Thursday night at Joe Louis Arena as he watched while several teammates jockeyed for social dominance.
Ron Burgundy smiles as Colis, Sutton, and Woods verbally spar
Following opening statements wherein each player established the he’s “kind of a big deal” based on job title and proximity to the chicken wings and pizza provided by the Illitch Family after the game, forward Chris Sutton (3 goals, 3 assists) immediately went on the offense, claiming that defenseman Mark Woods (2 assists) wore a suit “just for the occasion.”
“It was true,” said Woods. “It didn’t make it hurt any less, but it was true.”
Added Woods: “Did anyone notice? It was a Hugo Boss suit.”
Not to be outdone, forward Tom Colis (2 goals, 3 assists) began to describe the achievements of his children, noting one is dating Christian singer-songwriter Francesca Battistelli while the other one has become a minor celebrity in the tech world, reportedly working as a consultant on the hit CBS series Scorpion.
Sutton countered with a tale of romantic conquest, involving the meticulous maneuvers of meeting, the counter-moves of courtship, culminating in a genuine (not fake) proposal atop the Michigan Union’s Secret Society Room.
We’re… kind of a big deal…
“I felt like I did when I played my first C-league game,” interjected Matt Okray, gently but unsuccessfully trying to steer the discourse back to hockey.
The discussion turned to on-ice achievements, where all four players agreed that “that douche No. 9” on the Navy team was certain to have attracted the attention of all the scouts hoping to recruit the so-called diamond in the rough. Beyond that, the conversation quickly returned to the competitive one-upsmanship, with Sutton pointing to his “Lady Byng” award which included a game puck signed by Tomas “Po” Tater, a gift voucher for The Vitamin Store, and $5 coupon to Applebee’s.
The others could not boast such hardware.
Sensing victory, Sutton went for the kill shot. “In all my years working, I’ve maybe brought my lunch once or twice,” boasted Sutton, arms folded back in a reclined position. The silence was as deafening as it was long.
“I have never brought my lunch to work,” said Colis.
Check and mate.
Sutton and Colis were last seen shirtless flexing out the window from their respective Ann Arbor offices overlooking each other just off Main Street. Woods and Okray were last seen at their respective work sites, both fully shirted.