Defensive Pair Avoid Mistakes, Statistics

ANN ARBOR– Defensive pair Steve Gorham and Mark Woods once again managed to minimize their errors on the ice and completely avoid penalty minutes, goals, and assists as Ruination started its Spring season with a 6-3 win over Depot Town Stags Tuesday night. “It’s amazing,” said coach and general manager Benny Holland (the clearly less successful twin). “It’s like those two do absolutely nothing while on the ice.”

The phenomenon was first noticed by defenseman Sean Payeur last season when after a high scoring win, laughed that Woods managed to escape receiving even one assist. Gorham, who serves as the team’s part-time statistician, looked through the records, and found that in 72 games between the two played, they received a total of three minutes in penalties.

“These guys have perfected the art of passing to the guy who passes to the guy who passes to the guy who scores the goal,” said hockey analyst Mike Believe.

Added Believe: “Then they quickly get off the ice to avoid any potential for a plus/minus.”

Defenseman Alex Riley decided not to follow suit, instead scoring three goals, while Andrew Thompson added two. Joel Benton, returning from his mission work in Guadalajara or Walla Walla (sources are uncertain), added the sixth goal, while assists were awarded to everyone else (John Vella, Matt Schaefer, Ryan Williams, Nick Cardomone, Sean McGrath, and Kevin Dillen) except Gorham and Woods.

The two would have been asked for a statement by the press, but were overlooked and unnoticed.