ORLANDO– Richard “Ricky” Winowiecki, star defenseman for Ashley’s Hopslam, announced Wednesday following Hopslam 3-1 win over the WT Killer Bees that he will be joining the Orlando Potter-mouths of the Nation Quidditch League (NQL). “We’re sho ec-schited,” said league president R. E. Tainer. “Sho ec-schited!”
Washington Weasleys’ chaser Vin Kerosene scores a goal against Kansas City Wart-Hogs keeper Stan D’Alone to the delight of the fan.
The move is particularly noteworthy, as Winowiecki admitted to having only briefly skimmed several chapters in the seven-book series, and isn’t “quite sure” what the sport entails. This has led to criticism from several professional Quidditch players, including 256-lb beater Sam Hammich of the New York Grangers. “This sport isn’t for just anyone,” wheezed Hammich, reaching for his corticosteroid inhaler. “It takes dedication, practice, and at least 5 readings of the series to be a true quidditch player.”
Added Hammich: “And a good broom, like this Sienna Storm.”
Winowiecki stated that he was looking forward to running with something long and hard between his legs, noting that hockey had become “less exciting of late.”
Hopslam teammates brushed aside criticism, noting that Winowiecki’s hockey background “makes him the best quidditch athlete of all time,” according to forward Chris Sutton (goal, 2 assists).
Several officials from the NQL took exception to Sutton’s comment, noting that they plan to challenge him to a “wizard-ing duel” following the midnight release of the latest Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, by author J.K. Rowling.
The move puts Winowiecki among other famous athletes who had dual athletic careers. Such greats include football and baseball stars Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders.
Brendan Kennedy and Matt Okray added goals in the Hopslam win, while Andrew Thompson chipped in with two assists.