Center Detained at Customs

DETROIT– A championship that nearly wasn’t… Chris Sutton, upon his return from a rehab facility in Cancun, was detained for several hours by Homeland Security agents for “suspicious comments” made upon arriving in Detroit prior to Hopslam’s championship clinching game Monday.

Stated Sutton: “All I said was ‘I hope the ice is ready when I get there.’ How is that inflammatory speech?”

After¬†repeatedly stating that he had no ties to any groups in the Middle East, that he has often said “Peace in the Middle East” years after it was no longer en vogue, and that he couldn’t be any whiter if he tried, he was released. However, when he said, “Thanks, you guys are da¬†bomb!” he was detained for another 45 minutes. Homeland Security chief Wade A. Minute defended his reasoning. “We knew he wasn’t a threat, but anyone who still calls things “da bomb” deserves to be punished.”

Sutton arrived at the rink just moments before the puck drop, and went on to notch an assist in the 3-2 win over the Ice Men, whom he referred to as “wiggedy wiggedy wack, yo.” The league has since levied a fine.