ANN ARBOR– Following Hopslam’s 2-4 loss to Puckings in their Quarterfinal match-up, league director Abe Colwell announced that forward Chris Sutton was “banned for life,” from the D1 league, citing a variety of allegations, including ankle-breaking, stealing, and clothes laundering.
“We simply cannot tolerate that kind of puck-handling in this league,” said Colwell. “I hereby declare Mr. Sutton banned for life both from Hopslam and the league in general.”
Added Colwell: “He will never play here again, which I pretty much think should be about four or five seasons, then we can reevaluate that.”
GM Mark Woods sent an appeal to the league office, but the committee, comprised of Colwell and a puck with googly-eyes glued to it, rejected the appeal, stating: “No, Sutton moves.”
Sutton’s agent, Don Queen, released the following statement: “This is a travesty of justice. My client will not rest until justice has been served. It is not a crime to clean your clothes!”
Added Queen: “If Hopslam ever wins a championship without Sutton, it will be a Chris-less miracle!”