Schultz: Bring on Ruination!

ANN ARBOR– Following Hopslam’s 8-1 win over the Ypsi Aces late Tuesday night, forward Nic Schultz cryptically called for what seemed to be an end to economic prosperity and relative worldwide peace. “Bring on Ruination!” he exclaimed.

Artist rendering of what Schultz’s comment may have referred to

Hopslam press secretary Penne Jsaki quickly walked the statement back. “What Mr. Schultz was trying to say is that he is very excited for the win, and is looking forward to the opportunity to play Ashley’s Ruination. He is not trying to make any claims to unemployment rates, civil unrest over issues regarding the Pandemic, or even any religious beliefs that hint toward an end times scenario in the near future.”

Schultz was later asked to clarify his statements, prompting him to say, “C’mon, man! That was a day ago! Look, here’s the deal. They gave me a list of people to call on, so I’m gonna phone friend right now, you dog-faced pony soldier.”

Hopslam will play Ruination next Tuesday, in what many are calling “Abe’s penchant for cruelty.”