Health Officials Mandate Vacillation, ‘Maybe, I Dunno’

ANN ARBOR– Following Hopslam’s 4-5 loss to Tuesday night, The Ann Arbor Health Organization (AAHO) announced that all players must vacillate by November 1… or November 2. Sources say officials have been “going back and forth on the date.”

“But, they should definitely vacillate,” said Dr. N. DeCisive. “Or not. I just don’t know sometimes.”

Players like Al Juback and Matt Okray have refused vacillation, taking a firm stance. “I don’t waver, and I don’t sign wavers,” said Juback, currently on Injured Reserve.

Critics of Vassar (so-called anti-Vassars) have been harsh, noting that the liberal arts college in Upstate New York costs approximately $75,000 per year. “What does that have to do with vacillation?” asked Dr. Elizabeth H. Bradley, president of Vassar.”

Bradley added: “Besides, Lisa Kudrow and Jackie Onassis attended Vassar. Why would anyone be against that? Friends was a great show!”

“None of this makes any sense!” exclaimed editor-in-chief I. R. Resolute. “Or does it? I can’t tell anymore.”