Hopslam: “That Game was Bull Schlitz!” Okray Uses New Math

ANN ARBOR– Hopslam fell to what sources are calling “some” Bull Schlitz in their 2-7 loss Tuesday night. However, news wires were having trouble picking up the actual score when field correspondent Matt Okray provided a cryptic assessment of the game. “Little to the knowledge of the Schlitz, our goals counted as 5. We then scored right before the end of the second to make it 10-5 Hopslam!” said Okray.

Added Okray: “They came out flying and scored twice in the third but just decided to let off the gas for whatever reason being down 10(2)-7 which ended up being the final score.”

It wasn’t until Matt E. Matics, cryptology professor at the University of Michigan deciphered the code, stating that “Hopslam lost 2-7, but won in terms of moral victories.” This moral victory gives Hopslam its fourth of the season, leading all venues and individuals, including “that high school kid who got turned down by the hot girl in 4th period, but it was so worth it because at least he tried.”

Pundits are blaming the loss over the “emotional roller coaster ride” of defenseman Brad Johnson’s on-again-off-again attendance. Johnson stated that while he wants to be available for the team, he “can’t seem to shake the need to eat, provide shelter for [himself] and sleep.”