LAKEPORT– Piper the dog, affectionately known as “Grammy’s dog, Piper” or “that damn dog,” sent a note to all three Ashley’s teams late Thursday regarding payment for the Winter season: “Woof woof woof woof, yip woof arf woof rrrrr woof-woof woof bark woof woof!”
Added Piper: “Woof!”
Though it does not directly translate word-for-word to English, the 80 lb. black double-doodle essentially said: “Pay your league fees, or else I’ll take a horse-sized (expletive) on your carpet.”
The additional “woof” (sources say) translated to “squirrel.”
Teammates on Ruination, Hopslam, and Widowmaker agreed that while they don’t mind paying Piper, the idea makes them a bit uneasy, ever since GM Mark Woods named Piper the CFO of the organization in 2019.
“I’m not dogist or anything,” noted forward Brian Lefevre. “But, she is a dog, and they aren’t exactly known for their fiscal responsibility.”
Lefevre, for his comments, was disciplined by the team, directed to attend dog sensitivity training.
Piper, for its part, shrugged off the critique. “Woof woof arf; woof woof woof bark bark,” which translates to “smell my butt; you’ll know who I am.”
For its part, Piper did attend the University of Georgia, rated among the top schools in accounting. “Woof woof! (Go Dawgs!)” exclaimed Piper, who has been insufferable over the last two years.