The trouble began shortly after most of the players filtered their way into the changing room before Tuesday’s game against Gates. It was discovered that there would be no beer waiting for the Hopslam team following the game.
“I’m not even sure why I’m here,” said an inconsolable Gary Witt.
“I’ve never in a locker room that didn’t have a cooler,” said defenseman Brittany Szczepanik.
Beer, a drink that has sustained and invigorated hockey players for thousands of years, is the highlight of the team’s training regimen. Experts say that it is important to have a meal or otherwise ingest some calories following exercise, and the Hopslam team has been absolutely dedicated to reaching their fitness goals through exercise and nutrition. The lack of beer came as a shock to everyone.
“There’s really no one to blame,” said GM Mark Woods. “Except for the guy who didn’t bring the cooler.”
Added Woods: “Bob (Brock).”
Brock, who has expressed interest in running for political office, explained: “Hey!, (Scott) Coates forgot it last time!” After deflecting blame, Brock then stated he had contacts in Tecumseh, someone known in the bootlegging world simply as “my sister,” to bring beer while the team played.
However, Brock’s “red line” statement produced no libation, though further promises of beer “next time” were mentioned. Allegations that Brock suggested taking beer from Ashley’s Ruination have not been confirmed.
Incidentally, Hopslam (5-3) came back from a 0-2 start to win 5-4, with goals from Shawn Lopez (2), Dexter Benda, and Al Johnson. I guess Brock scored one, too. But, whatever. No beer.