Category: Ruination

Updates specific to Ashley’s Ruination team

Super Villain Laments Falling Out of Spotlight

GULFPORT– Cyrus Gold, once more popularly known as Solomon Grundy (purportedly born on a Monday), lamented recently the noticeable lack of star power over the years. “Solomon Grundy used to be somebody,” Grundy stated with his noted Southern accent. “Now,…

Corporate Sponsors Take Over League

ANN ARBOR– The Ann Arbor Hockey League may have been the last bastion of unsullied hockey, free of corporate sponsorship and the inevitable branding and shameless product placement… at least it was. “Folks, I’m pleased as Tropicana Fruit Punch to…

Fifth and Sixth Seal of Apocalypse Opened

ANN ARBOR– Biblical eschatologists concluded that the “fifth and sixth seal” have been opened, inching mankind ever closer to the Apocalypse written in the Book of Revelation, sources reported Thursday following Hopslam’s 7-3 win over Ruination and the recent presidential…

Holiday Radio Station Takes Lead

DETROIT– Local radio station WNIC 100.3 FM announced Tuesday that it is actually playing Christmas music for the 2017 holiday season, deciding to get a 13-month jump ahead of any rival stations. “We’ll be playing It’s the Most Wonderful Time of…

Ruination Judged in Court of Public Opinion

AUBURN HILLS– GM Mark Woods brought his case against Ashley’s Ruination in the Court of Public Opinion Friday afternoon after team members allegedly refused to respond to the unofficial roll call sent the previous day. “I just need to know…

Stand-Up Comic Tries Out New Hockey Material

LIVONIA-Up and coming stand-up comedian Jake “the Fake” Pierson was inspired by Ashley’s Hopslam and Ruination Tuesday night, despite the team’s 2-5 loss to the Ice Dogs and 3-6 loss to the Ice-o-Topes C. “I’ve added about 10 minutes of…