AUBURN HILLS– Amid the bustle of meetings, deadlines, bleary eyes, and snow flurries that marked the work week, the sporting world managed to march forward without regard for any of these “trifling” concerns. And thousands of fans have come to count on Ashley’s News Network as the source for up-to-the-minute reporting of beer league hockey. (Note: By “thousands” means “dozens” and “fans” means “guys on the team“)
Ruination 5, Mott 2
Forward Sean Payeur (assist) and defenseman Jason Spence (2 assists) each receive a game suspension after “tag-team” rapping insults to the referees. Among the more biting comments included: “Your mama so dumb, she got hit by a parked car.” Sources later revealed this line was lifted from the movie Sister Act 2.
Ferguson absolutely insufferable following his “big goal” Wednesday
Hopslam 1, Ice Dogs 4
A lackluster performance was highlighted by Scott Coates’s break away goal, which fans said had the look and feel of his patented wrap-around move, “except that it took about 20 seconds less time and fifty fewer attempts for it to go in.”
Aventinus 6, Mott FK 3
Dave Ferguson scored his first goal of the season, then demanded the “king’s treatment,” decreeing that fellow teammates take his skates off and genuflect before leaving the locker room. He also asked to be called by his preferred name: Dr. Jefferson David Bowdoin Ferguson III, of the Chesapeake Bowdoins, or “pimp daddy.”
Hopslam 9, Ice Men 4
Gary Witt was banned from potential Beer Hall of Fame entry when it was discovered that he was involved in a “score if you score” gambling scheme with mastermind Kelly “the Wifey-poo” Witt. “I always wondered how Gary managed to skate faster heading toward their net and not so much getting back on defense,” said GM Mark Woods up on hearing of the scandal.