HOPSLAM– Police officer, gentleman, and Hopslam goaltender Ryan Bidwell reportedly stepped down as chief of security for the Ann Arbor Ice Cube when it was revealed that director Abe Colwell had shared the elevator with a man who is known to have a questionable record. “I believe the record was Donny Osmond’s self-titled album from 1989,” said Colwell. “I”m pretty sure he was humming ‘Sacred Emotion‘ or something.” Bidwell resigned– amid the controversy– himself to playing net for Hopslam.
Rusty Barron stepped in Wednesday night as the team topped Gates 6-4 on the strength of the “Bangtown Line” of David Gaydos (2 goals, assist), Matt Okray (goal, 2 assists), and Pete Girz (2 assists). Andrew Thompson and Bobby Brock each had a goal and two assists as well in the win.
RUINATION– Shawn Lopez will likely express bitter disappointment upon seeing his 2 goal and assist night reduced to a mere “blurb” in the Ashley’s articles, sources speculated Thursday morning. “This is all they have to say?” a stunned Lopez will likely say. “This sucks. I’m going to play for Goon Squad. I hear their website Goonygoogoo.com has better writers anyway.”
A likely more appreciative Austin Feeney will be happy to be noted as also having scored two goals and an assist as Ruination won 6-1 over the Depot Town Stags. Dexter Benda and Sean McGrath also scored, and will be “pleased as punch” to see their names on such a prestigious sporting news site, sources say.
AVENTINUS– Goaltender Chris Sutton expressed relief following Aventinus’s 4-1 win over Barracuda Wednesday night when the league office in Toronto announced that an empty net goal in a September 17 loss to the Leafs “will not be charged to Mr. Sutton.” Sutton, speaking through his agent, delivered the following statement: “It’s about time those crackpot league analysts recognize, yo.” Sutton’s goals against dropped to 2.17 for the season, down from a lofty 2.33 GAA. Sutton’s agent then did that thing with the fingers that suggest the team will have to pay big money to retain Sutton, who is a Plan B free agent next summer.
Ron Coleman scored two goals, but blanched upon realizing that rival defenseman, fellow teammate, and brother Daryl Coleman had a goal and an assist to keep pace with the so-called Coleman Scoring Race. “First one to five wins,” sources close to the team said.