RUINATION– Ashley’s Ruination lost its first game since October 25, falling 5-6 to Bull Schlitz, prompting goalie Jeff Phillion to immediately begin binge drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor for the course of the night. Sources say that Phillion added pizza, chips, and a wet burrito to already noxious liquid. At last report, Phillion was suffering from a mild stomach illness, a condition known as the “beer schlitz.”
OBERON– Ashley’s newest team, Oberon, won its second game, topping the Ice-o-topes 4-1 Saturday night. To celebrate, winger Sean McGrath vowed to keep his beard an extra day, though later admitted that his reasons also included the fact that his “wife loves it.” Known as his “gettin’ some beard,” Mcgrath lamented the fact that an upcoming convention in Texas may well ruin his “current win streak.”
AVENTINUS– Aventinus lost to bitter rivals, the Leafs 2-3 Sunday night, dropping the team to 1-2 to start the season. Fumbling for clever things to say, such as “we lost two to tree to the Leafs,” or “They should Leafs and never come back,” teammates settled for “those guys are bunch of douches” instead, quoting what is believed to be from Shakespeare’s Henry VIII or perhaps The Tempest.