REDFORD– Desperate to keep the dozens of fans infotained,sports writer Mark Woods admitted Friday that winning the lottery “sure would help” to give him the free time needed to write articles for the sports teams in the local area, including Ashley’s Ruination, Oberon, Hopslam, and Aventinus, all of whom play twice a week.
“If I won the lottery, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time traveling to tropical locations, spending money lavishly on expensive food and drink, or renting fast cars in Miami,” said Woods unconvincingly. “Do I look like Justin Bieber?”
Added Woods: “‘Cause I wouldn’t mind. He has a lot more hair than I do.”
As of press time, the PowerBall lottery safely stands at $317 million, not likely to ever be spent by Woods or anybody else not living in a trailer, having purchased the winning ticket while getting a bottle of Wild Turkey, individual strips of beef jerky that one uses tongs in some vain attempt at sanitary practices, menthol cigarettes, oh, and “one of them thar’ mee-yon dollar lotto tickets.”
And, for the record, Ruination lost Monday, Hopslam tied Tuesday, and Oberon lost on Tuesday.