RUINATION– The B-League is under investigation in what some are calling a “point-shaving” scandal after a knee injury side-lined Yaks goaltender Matthew Weiler. The game took a strange turn, however, when back-up goaltender “Yakkity Yak” Don Talc-Bach, seemingly refused to play, never leaving the locker room, resulting in a 6-2 win for Ruination. When asked about the incident Talc-Bach cryptically noted that failure to “take out the papers and the trash” would result in a distinct lack of “spending cash.” Brett Parry had a hat trick, while Brian Lefevre, Ricky Winowiecki, and Nick Aja also had goals.
HOPSLAM– Hopslam lost its fifth game in a row, dropping a close one to the Ice-o-topes 3-4 Saturday night. “We’ve tried everything from sending defenseman Mark Woods to Grand Rapids to abandoning all hope of ever getting Scott Coates to donate to charity,” said GM Mark Woods. “Nothing’s worked.” Woods did note that he might suggest to the coaching staff that the team try “scoring some more goals,” while “reducing the goals scored against.” Many successful coaches have used this formula. Justin Baier, Andrew Thompson, and Jim Socha each had a goal in the loss.
OBERON– Ashley’s Oberon lost to the Black Bears 3-6 Saturday night in what many called an “intense” game with a “rivalry-like” feel. “The intensity seemed misplaced, given that neither team has ever faced each other,” said sports critic Mayim I. Dentz. “The fact that most of the players have competed against each other for years, many in championship games, should have no bearing on the matter,” Dentz followed. John Vella, Sean McGrath, and Matt DeMerle each scored, while Peter Girz added two assists.
AVENTINUS– Frustration continues as Aventinus lost 2-4 to Mott FK late Sunday night. Dave Winn, despite scoring a goal, complained that the team seems to have a spate of late games, asking “what’s up with all the late games?” Speculation that director Abe Colwell has purposely set games to well past the bed times of most people over the age of 40 in an attempt to decrease attendance or mental and physical acumen are under investigation, pending this *yawn* second pot of coffee percolating. Ken Coleman scored, and Ron Coleman assisted. Everyone was reportedly bleary-eyed driving into work early Monday.